“We can be shocked by the discovery of our backbone. We had believed we were ‘nice’; now we sense an obligation to someone beyond the first person who believes we can be useful to them. Along the way, we learn that the consequence of disappointing people is almost never what we fear. Most adults can take a ‘no’, and may even be grateful to us for putting boundaries on their demands.”
You may have heard a person say, “Grow a backbone”. Sometimes, the pressures of life affect us so deeply, that we tend to carry them along with us wherever we go. We use that pressure to keep us feeling burdened by its presence. And we do the worst thing by allowing those pressures to take charge of our lives.
The lines that I just mentioned above as I started were taken from a video called ‘On Feeling Obliged’ posted on YouTube by ‘The School of Life’. It is a global organization that helps people to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life. They spoke about the backbone of people, one of our most underestimated parts. But why are they talking about the backbone?
The pressures we take upon ourselves
Leave it up to us to enlist our worries:
- Oh, every month, I have to pay for those bills. Life is so tough.
- What will my boss think about me for speaking my mind out of turn?
- Every day feels like a deadline. Not sure I can keep up with this but I don’t think I have a choice.
- This is just the way my life is, I might as well just count my days.
- How will I get my kids into college? I guess I am going to have to take my boss’s taunts every day. I need this job.
Are you settling with life based on the compromises you have to make? I understand that life and situations can burden one with an immense number of worries. However, one has to mark the fine line of distinction between ‘REALIZING’ and ‘RATIONALIZING’.
“Rationalization forces you to live a lie until you are hit by the truck of Realization. And then Clarity is Poured Upon You.”
~Krescon Coaches
Let me share a few more anecdotes that The School of Life mentioned in this video:
“For some of us, our lives are guided – and hemmed in – by one overwhelming imperative: We must never let people down. Not just a few friends and family members, but pretty much anyone who wants anything of us. Perhaps someone wants to see us again for supper. We kept them entertained and now they want more. The problem is that we really don’t much like them – but we go anyway, because how could we not, next time and probably the twenty times after that. We give money to people we don’t trust. We stay up too late at parties we hate. We wind up on holiday with characters we have little in common with. We would feel a sense of obligation to someone we’d just met on a tram or to a dog that wanted us to keep throwing a ball. On our gravestone, it might as well say: Got here earlier out of an inability to say no.”
This short passage talks about how some of us continue to be kind despite the pressure of pleasing or meeting everyone’s demands. We seek their validation because we consider them more important than us. One line that struck and stayed with me was this: “Who are we to have a contrary view? What gives us the right to turn away enthusiasm, simply because we happen to feel a little uncomfortable and intermittently somewhat nauseous?”
Several people feel pressured either by their work or personally daunting situations. For instance, the market is volatile and harsh on retailers so best not to introduce any new product without first understanding the outcome. Since it is not possible to know the outcome for sure, why introduce a new product in the first place?
This type of attitude only signifies ‘giving up’.
Having the wrong attitude in any situation
Let’s say you have an overbearing former leader who is about to leave the company. You are going to succeed that leader. At your age and with your fresh knowledge about the market, you are brimming with new business ideas. However, you’ve been told by other partners that your former leader is not a fan of market disruption and that he is old school. He believes that the business he ran for several decades was successful because he played everything by the book. Going further it won’t be any different.
So, you develop self-doubt. You wonder, what if you introduced a new idea and it didn’t work for the company? You fear the pressure of rejection. You rationalize with yourself that it would be better to share new ideas only once the former leader steps down permanently. So, you decide to hold off on the innovations until you feel it’s safe and ask for all ideas from the former leader. Ultimately, the leadership team finds that you have really not given much input. They start to second-guess their decision to hire you as the successor.
Having the wrong attitude in any situation represents the example given above. It’s like settling into something that you are not comfortable with due to the pressure you feel. However, because you don’t want to ruffle any feathers, you think it best to lay low and deal with the discomfort. This pressured lifestyle can do you no good and this is what is called RATIONALIZING. You can either do good with the intensity of your natural strengths or you can go insane trying to meet someone else’s demands. The latter is certainly not good for you in the long run. What you need to do is stop rationalizing with reality and start REALIZING the truth of the matter so that you can take appropriate action.
Maya: “But your skincare line is a little behind the competition.”
Director: “Can you be more specific?”
Maya: “Well, you launched your Avocado Jojoba line last spring and we only sold 1,353 units, which is about 70% under the normal range.”
Director: “And that’s just off the top of your head? Why do you think they didn’t sell, Maya?”
Maya: “Well, your organic line isn’t really organic.”
Vice President: “Are you kidding me?”
Maya: “Look, I don’t want to insult anyone, okay? And I realize my credentials aren’t typically…”
Director: “Oh, you are right about that. Harvard undergrad, magna cum laude. Then there’s your philanthropy, all the work with the Peace Corps. And you have got to see her Facebook page.”
Maya: “My Facebook page?”
Director: “I have been training for Kilimanjaro for months.”
‘Second Act’ is a movie featuring some very talented actors. Maya is the character of a woman who gets a second chance at life at the age of 40. She is an honest person but life puts her in a situation where she has indirectly lied in her resume.
Maya: “That was F&C. They want to hire me.”
Joan: “Shut up! I thought she kicked you out of her office.”
Maya: “She did. I mean, I basically trashed their entire skincare line.”
Joan: “Maybe that was a test to see if you were a straight shooter. The lie got you in the door. But you got the job. Come on. You can do this.”
Over time, as Maya jumps from honesty to white lies, she finds herself experiencing the realization of her reality.
Maya: “Thank you for giving me a chance. You know, some people never get a chance because they can’t afford the right education, or they don’t have the degree to get in the right doors. Maybe I am where I am today because I wasn’t afraid to tell the truth. Even if it hurts. … The truth is…. I never even graduated high school. I thought none of you would even look at me if you knew the truth.”
Well, there’s a whole monologue in this scene but you get the gist. Maya had to come clean with her reality and show the world who truly was. Earlier, she had rationalized the circumstances and thought it best to keep her true identity under wraps. So, Maya decided to stay with the lie until one day, she no longer wanted to live under that kind of pressure. She didn’t want to rationalize her life again.
“Never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
It’s not pride, it’s self-respect.”
~Chanakya
RATIONALIZATION refers to settling and compromising in life for the things you do not want or know are not good for you. Like a young successor afraid to share their new ideas for fear of rejection, they end up playing the safe game. Or, the people-pleaser who wants to make everyone happy despite their personal discomfort.
REALIZATION, on the other hand, refers to coming face-to-face with reality and accepting it for what it is. No longer do you allow your expectations, assumptions, and desires to create a web of lies in your life. When you see reality from the point of self-awareness, less from ignorance, and more from the Ground of Neutrality, you see the real and big picture. Then you know the decision you must make as you allow your Spiritual Quotient to remove the web of lies from your eyes and provide you with clarity.
If you remember the tale of the two arrows that I spoke about in my previous newsletter, I succinctly talk about the second arrow that represents your reaction. Therefore, you must decide whether you want to react to life with realization or rationalization. When it comes to realizing the reality of a situation, you know what you must do. When it comes to rationalization, it sadly means that you are compromising with life despite knowing the truth of it all. And nothing can be more paralyzing than that!
Many times, people accept jobs that don’t align with their passion or goals only because they offer them a higher salary and stability. What they must realize is that taking a risk and pursuing a career path is more fulfilling despite its uncertainty and temporary financial challenges.
Therefore, we must realize that life, as short as it is, must be lived meaningfully and not in fear or pressure of others. Realize when it’s time to take life in your hands and live it to your full potential. Here is a beautiful song called ‘Tomorrow Never Comes’ by Zac Brown Band that speaks volumes about letting go and learning to fly.
I’ve been climbing my way through the sky
Searching for answers that I’ll never find
Losing my breath as I fall
Learning to fly, letting go of it all
Learning to fly, letting go of it all
I’ve been trying to open my eyes
Take it all in as the world passes by
Getting lost in the twists and the turn
Finding these questions inside me still burn
Finding these questions inside me still burn
I’m gonna live
Like tomorrow never comes
There’s no end in sight
Tonight we black out the sun
Better hold on tight
Before you know it’s gone
And live like tomorrow never comes
